God in Pursuit of Man

"Your kids have a game plan to drive you bonkers... but you don't have to let them call the shots," so says Kevin Lehman in Have a New Kid by Friday. We are told that kids are like horses - if you don't discipline them they kick, scream and neigh until they get their way. Contrarily, the story goes, if they are well-disciplined by their primary caregivers they will act and react in ways that are pleasant and lovely. If only it were that simple. Our teens DO have a will that is influenced by their friends, media, church and what they ate 3 hours ago. And, thanks to puberty hormones, teens become as predictable as a level five tornado storming through the Midwest plains.

Parenting, not unlike other relationships, and certainly during the adolescent years, requires gallons of grace - grace in remembering how miserable the adolescent years were for some of us - to extinguish the fires of frustration, pain, sadness and anger that continually ignite between us and our teens. The folly that is bound up in their hearts is also bound up in ours (Proverbs 22:15). We, by God's kindness, may be further along in overcoming our folly, but we are still in process, just like our kids. And, daily we must all draw from the same well of grace that is found in Christ. 

There are times when grace is applying Spirit-controlled correction. Grace isn't wimpy. Grace isn't malicious either. God-led discipline is self-controlled and holds the best interests of the one being chastised in mind. We can't always determine whether our teens will lie, cheat, manipulate or experiment with drugs or sex, but we can determine how we will respond. We can let our teens learn from their mistakes by letting them experience the weight of the natural consequences of their actions. For example, if Timmy decides to sneak out of the house to go to a party that is busted by the cops, I would let Timmy get taken to the station and get questioned instead of arguing with the officer to let him off the hook. This could be the grace that Timmy needs. It may be just enough to deter him from greater mistakes in the future. It may not. That will be up to him to determine. It will often depend on how much he has to lose relationally with his parents.

James Dobson writes in The Strong Willed Child that love demands freedom. God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to chose to reciprocate their love back to him. We can't demand that our children be robots. We can't cage them in forever. They need to gradually, through the years, and especially as they are preparing to exit the nest, experience the ability to make their own decisions, even if you are confident they will fail.

Humans are a stubborn sort. When I was an addictions counselor we had a  saying in the addiction field, a generalization really: "People have to hit rock bottom before they will change." This isn't always true, but I think you'll get the principle. We often don't change without pain.  That's the point of shows like Intervention - let addicts feel the weight of the relational pain they have inflicted so that they become desperate enough to receive help. Our kids possess the same stubborn hearts we do. We don't want to move. Neither do they. We nail ourselves to oak trees of justification, self-deception and manipulation and claim that there is nothing wrong with us. They do to. And we often won't change until we hurt enough. They are the same way. That is why, even though it may hurt us, we have to let our teens incrementally feel the pain of the consequences of their behavior. This allows them to experience the hurt they have inflicted on others, which ideally would lead them to repentance, restoration and a renewed sense of God's kindness toward them. Allowing our kids to experience the full weight of their actions is a loving, gracious act. 

Here's the caveat. Grace, especially when applied in corrective situations, to be God-honoring, must be set within a relational context. Grace without relationship is like a roof without shingles - it isn't able to weather very many storms. Teens are all about relationships. That is why they are always on Facebook and texting with their friends. The way to our teens' hearts is authentic, grace-imbued relationships with them.

What's does this look like in real life? 

1. Praying for and with them. Don't brush this one off as "the obvious." Without it we won't get very far. Be persistent in praying for your child's relationship with Christ and others.
2. Playing with them. Break out the old-fashioned board games, take them to that father-daughter dance (if your teen is a daughter of course), shoot some hoops in the driveway with them, anything. 
3. Spending casual time with them. Go to the movies, a restaurant or for a walk down the street. 
4. Having courage under fire. You will have to face your fears of being rejected by your teen. Chase them anyway. Push through your fear of rejection by placing it at the cross of Christ in your daily times of practicing the presence of Christ.
5. Sharing your journey with others. Find a few people to pray for and with you and to keep you accountable for your action plan to pursue your teen in relationship. 
6. Pursuing them. This past week in Elevate we started a series called God in Search of Man, out of Genesis 2-3. We talked about how God continued to pursue Adam and Eve after they sinned and were filled with shame and emotional, spiritual, physical and relational nakedness. We often think that life is about the pursuit of God. That's half true. Life is primarily about this gracious, kind God pursuing us. He initiates the relationship. And, as parents of teens, we are to do the same despite facing rejection, pain and unkind words from our teens. Hear me out on this: Our teens want us to pursue them, just like we want God to pursue us. They may say they don't. They may push you away. But they want to be pursued. We don't need to be obnoxiously clingy or smothering our kids; however, we should regularly pursue our teens in relationship while giving them the freedom to respond either way (and respecting their responses). Continue the pursuit of your teen. Don't give up. Press on. Our precious Savior pursues us. He doesn't give up on us. Like the prodigal father, God waits in anticipation to embrace his broken children when they choose to run into his loving arms. We can do the same for our teens.

Grace is the great leveler. It's the grace of Christ that saved us. It's the grace of God that strengthens us anew each morning. And it's the grace of God that changes the hearts of our teens. We need it desperately. So do they! Let's dole it out this week. 

By the way, Grace-Based Parenting is a great resource for further thinking on this subject. It continues to be a pivotal "treatise" on parenting that sharpens my thinking in this area. 

Pursuing the Pursuer,

Josh